I realized that the basic issues I have with both Hinduism and Judaism are the same: that stories, rituals, and blind faith can distract from what, to me, is truly important: creating more happiness in this world by being a good person.

I know that performing ritual with intention (kavana in Hebrew) rather than through habit (keva), can make rituals extremely meaningful. In my experience they provide hope and joy, but not necessarily deep peace, happiness, or clarity. When I was in high school I considered myself a Conservative Jew. I kept the Sabbath laws, not driving, writing, watching TV, using the computer, etc. every Friday to Saturday night. I lived a rather religious life.

But by the end of high school I was not keeping as many commandments, and in college I have been keeping less and less. This was due to a lot of factors. My communities growing up were close to 100% Jewish, and in college I was exposed to a myriad of lifestyles, which gave me perspective on my own. It was also hard to keep the Sabbath because I was largely surrounded by non-religious people, even though they came from many faiths.

In college, I found new meaningful avenues for my Jewish practice, including organizing women’s programming at Berkeley Hillel with Rabbi Dorothy Richmon. I found new types of Judaism that I identified with including a wonderful Reconstructionist synagogue in Berkeley called Chochmat Ha'Lev http://www.chochmat.org/. But I continued to feel unfulfilled spiritually and I have been yearning to make religion/spirituality a bigger part of my life again.

So with the coming of the Jewish High Holidays in India, such a religious country, I was thinking about how to approach this season of introspection and repentance in a new way. On Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement, we are supposed to stand purified before God, but how are we to purify ourselves? What does purification mean?

Judaism answers this question in a variety of ways including repenting for our sins, introspection about one’s past year, apologizing to others, oneself, and God, seasonally specific daily prayers, blowing the shofar (ram’s horn), and tashlich (throwing crumbs into a moving body of water, symbolizing getting rid of our sins). On Yom Kippur we fast and wear simple white clothing to symbolize standing before God in the robe we will be buried in.

But still, these methods seemed to be missing something for me. How can we access the deep source of our thoughts, words, and actions? Why have we sinned? Why are we unhappy? Why are we impure?

I decided to go on a 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. Vipassana (dhamma.org) is an ancient form of meditation based on the teachings of Gotama the Buddha, found in texts from around 500 BCE. It is not a part of the organized Buddhist religion. This form of meditation is designed to purify one’s mind and attain a state of equanimity, where one is mindful and without craving or hostility. One is completely calm. In the course of one’s practice, clarity increases and treating others ethically becomes entirely natural. One learns experientially, through attentive observation of their bodily sensations, that everything is impermanent. One learns to enjoy pleasure and endure pain without identifying with them or getting attached to them, knowing that everything that arises is bound to pass away. Vipassana is a practice designed purify and create happiness.

At the retreat, all participants take a vow of silence for 10 days, though one is allowed to ask their teachers questions and talk to the management if necessary. Morality is central to the practice, and in order to succeed in meditation one must not kill, lie, steal, take intoxicants, or engage in inappropritate sexual behavior. The retreat is entirely free, paid for by past participant’s donations. Participants have the opportunity to donate at the end. There are Vipassana retreat centers around the world, including a couple in California.

The retreat itself was difficult for me because it took me longer than most to understand the technique. I was exposed to so much wisdom at my young age of 21! For the first few days we learned Annapurna meditation. When we started learning Vipassana I had an extremely strong childish reaction of fear. I couldn’t escape truth anymore. I had to face myself entirely. This fear has not completely left me yet. I committed to continue practicing after the retreat. It has been difficult to sustain, but initial difficulties will pass. The meditation keeps me aware in my everyday life and able to be open to the world around me. I am learning to live life in a constant state of meditation and intention.

Coming out of the retreat, I realized that the truth is that as long as people base their happiness in external, material things, the suffering of the world will never end. When I see families with little children living under freeway bridges, slums out the window of an air-conditioned train where I am served more food than my body needs, the servant in my house who has three weeks of holiday the entire year combined and has to wait until October to meet his baby daughter who was born in August because she lives a train ride away in one of the poorest states in India, the material problems of the world overwhelm me.

But once the family under the bridge gets a home, they will need food, electricity, water, clothes, jobs, education for their children, basic health support, and eventually the mind turns to refrigerators, cell phones, more bedrooms, better jobs, more money, the right husband for a daughter, joining the rat race…And once these are satisfied, still happiness is not guaranteed. New material cravings form. How many people do you know who have all their basic needs fulfilled and more, and who are miserable? So my question is, how can poverty and suffering be alleviated? They are not one and the same. Of course, that is easy for me to say, as a person who by choice spent a summer financially independent, who isn’t paying for her own college education, who is extremely privileged compared to the rest of the world, and who has the opportunity to study in India when most Indians could never dream of visiting America.

I don’t have a conclusion or an ending that will close-up the wound. But here is a story. An Indian student in my Early Buddhist Ethics course told me that it is her birthday on Monday. I asked if she is going to celebrate and she said that there is nothing to celebrate. Her family is struggling, and her sister can’t afford to go to school. Five years ago, her and her sister turned to Buddhism as a way to change their lives. Internally they have both changed: they don’t fight anymore and her sister doesn’t get angry as often. But externally, the changes are slow to come. Her sister is still working a job she doesn’t like rather than studying. But they keep working on their spiritual path with such astounding strength because they have seen what good internal change has already brought them.

Mom, now do you see why I couldn’t answer your question in just a few words? The Jewish High Holidays have been about rethinking the ways I have been going about creating happiness in my life and bringing happiness to the lives of others. I have been learning how to generate more joy in the world by relieving my own suffering. I have been learning how little material things matter. I am recommitted to my spriritual growth and I have new tools with which to pursue it.

May all beings be happy in this new year.